Today was a tough day.

I haven't had the energy to post the whole story of my D&C experience and all that... but honestly.. in the end it was absolutely for the best and was physically much easier than I expected it to be. I only had cramping for a few hours after and almost no bleeding at all.
Emotionally is another story.. Overall.. for someone as emotional as I usually am.. I have held it together fairly well for the past few weeks outwardly..I cry when i am alone in the car and sometimes with Jeff, tears here and there when I tell people my news.. But usually.. I'm OK. Today though.. all day I felt like my heart was literally breaking in half.. On my way to work this morning I didn't feel very good.. A little nauseous like i might be getting the flu.. Then I got there and had some customers be mean to me over something that was not my fault.. So this started with me yelling at the cooks because it was their fault and bitching about the customer lady being such a bitch to me. But in the midst of me trying to correct this problem.. my manager walks in and tells me that I have to go move my car (turns out my car was in a fine spot all along and I never really had to move it..).. I tell him that I don't need bullshit like that and I immediately burst into tears.. I think that every coworker that was in the building with me at that time happened to also be in the kitchen at that moment.. so they all saw me TOTALLY lose it.. But after a minute or so.. I managed to stop the hysterics and get back to work..

An hour or so later... we all decided to do "St Patricks Day Shots".. I think they were grasshopper shots.. My former PCP Dr is also a frequent customer at our bar.. I actually am not a fan of his and always saw an NP in his office for things that i needed.. but would occassionally ask him for a favor or something since i do frequently see him at work.. He knew of my pregnancy because I had originally requested beta draws from his office. He also knew of the earlier miscarriage for this reason.. I actually switched to a new Dr (my husbands dr) because of the way the nurse in his office talked to me on the phone though. He saw me do the shot.. and he saw my face still a bit swollen and red from the tears earlier.. He just looked at me with this look of utter pity and sadness.. I actually had never seen him show anything remotely resembling compassion before.. So.. the tears started again..

Somewhere around this point one of my coworkers who knew about both m/c's told me that maybe I need to take a little time off work..She saw me falling apart..Honestly though, usually being at work makes me feel better.. My coworkers make me laugh.. The fact that i have to force a smile and feign happiness makes me feel happy most of the time.. Better than sitting at home moping.. I don't want to take any time off.

The day got mostly better after that.. but the literal heart breaking feeling didn't go away.. I would at random moments think of losing our baby and start getting all worked up like i was going to cry.. Something made me think of the tiny Notre Dame football jersey we bought in November with the intention of taking our baby to a game next year. I wasn't pregnant yet then.. but at that point we still had hope that sometime in the next four months or so we would be.. Little did we know what those four months would bring.. Two pregnancies.. two losses.. There will be no baby to put in that jersey next football season. When I told Jeff about the fact that I thought of it.. He said... "Well what if they make the national championship game (He's a little delusional about his sports teams sometimes).. thats not until January.." No honey.. not even by january.

I told another coworker tonight.. one that I have been friends with forever. One that I remember pulling into the kitchen the night that Jeff called me back the night after our first date. (My mother actually called me at work that night to tell me he had called) and jumping up and down with her with excitement that this boy wanted to date me.. I went to her baby shower, her wedding shower, her baby shower.. She moved out of state for a few years after her daughter was born.. so she didn't get to attend my wedding and after she moved back.. I haven't felt as close to her. I hadn't told her about the first pregnancy or miscarriage.. I hadn't told her about this pregnancy.. I had felt bad that she didn't know.. Most of my other coworkers know now. I want them to know.. But its so hard to say out loud.. So today, with my long island iced tea in hand (I was done working at this point.. I don't just drink constantly over the course of my work day).. I said to her.. "So did you know that I was pregnant?" .. it was easier than coming out and saying "I had a miscarriage." She got tears in her eyes and I had to tell her not to cry over and over again so that I wouldn't start bawling.. She just kept saying.. "i'm sorry" over and over.. I ended up telling her about the first one too.. She was actually at work with me the night that the first one happened.. But I couldn't tell her then..

Oh. So for the good news. My new Doctor is wonderful. She sent the tissue from my D&C for genetic testing.. She is going to do testing on me and probably Jeff as well.. And she said she will likely refer us to a specialist. I am going to talk to her about that at my followup appointment, which is the day after easter.. March 24th. I am glad to be taking the next steps to see if there really is a problem. I was worried that she would tell me it was just a normal part of life.. but she didn't.

And it is 4am.. Excellent.