Last chance ultrasound

If there is such a thing as a miracle.. it didn't find me today.. Logically, I knew that there was no baby.. But emotionally, I had to hope for a miracle today, or I would have just been wasting my time..
My ultrasound today showed the same very empty sac as the two previous ultrasounds. The doctor at the ultrasound place was this little Asian woman. She said.. "Yeah.. It look bad.. there no baby.. no yolk sac.. usually we see sac then yolk sac and then baby..I send to your doctor.. You talk to her" Then sent me on my way.. At least she wasn't blowing smoke up my ass.. but thank god I was mentally prepared for the news, because she certainly didn't have a nice way of putting it.. Honestly, I could tell by the ultrasound tech's reaction as soon as the probe was in.. she said, almost immediately.. "Okay.. I'm just going to take some measurements and then the dr will discuss the ultrasound with you.." Plus, she had a trainee (even the receptionists had trainees today.. I felt like it was like some school coming to visit day).. and they didn't say anything to each other.. I hope I wasn't like the only ultrasound this girl got to see today.. or she may quit her job..

So my D&C is scheduled for wednesday.. I had my pre-op testing for it this morning before the ultrasound. I dealt with two women there, one took my basic info and a quick physical. and was sweet and wonderful and actually hugged me.. (because inevitably everyone I encounter, I have to explain the fact that i have had back to back losses, because there is no simple answer as to when my last period was).. The second was in charge of explaining the day of surgery procedures and then taking my blood work.. I nearly passed out from the blood draw which has never happened to me before. She decided she couldn't get a vein in my arm (Even though every time i've had blood drawn..which is at least 4 or 5 other times in the past 3 months, they have gotten it no problem) .. she took it from my hand.. Which hurt.. a lot.. Also it was 75 degrees in the room. She had actually commented how warm it was in the room just before she started taking my blood.. but since I had no problems ever having blood drawn before.. I didn't think of it.. but I have a history of Pain+Heat=pass out.. When I was 15 or so I was home alone and was taking a hot bath and cut myself shaving.. It wasn't a lot of blood, but it was a big long cut and hurt a lot.. but I remember getting out of the tub to put a towel on my leg to stop the bleeding.. then I woke up on the living room floor with a bump on my head a few minutes later. A year or so after that.. I was lifeguarding outside on a hot day and cut my toe very badly on a rock.. I didn't pass out that day, but was close to it.. So.. long story short.. I managed not to pass out today.. but it was completely and totally the fault of this lady and whoever decided to make it 75 degrees in a room where they draw blood that I came anywhere close to it..

I have a lot more thoughts about this loss.. but need some time to work through it. I bought myself a book today.. Its Called "Preventing Miscarriage:The Good News" So far it has a LOT of good information in it.. I want to look into finding another book that deals more with the pain and greif.. But for now its a start..

We have also decided that once we get past this we are going to seriously look into seeing a fertility specialist. The fact that it took us 8 months to get pregnant once and we're now 10.5 months into TTC and have nothing to show for it but two losses is a problem.. I am scared to get pregnant again without knowing what is wrong..