*sigh*

So here we are.. its officially Oct 26th.. Although its still nighttime on the 25th to me.. EDD #2.. I must say it doesn't feel the same as EDD #1.. and I am trying to pin point why.. With baby #1.... I was pregnant for 1 week.. With baby #2, I was pregnant for a month, and unaware of the possiblity of something being not right for about two weeks. So I should have been MORE attached, right? But I don't think i was. I don't remember ever being excited about baby #2. I never had a good feeling.. My very first entry in this blog was written after I had my first u/s with the pregnancy, which wasn't good news, but it was too early to really be bad news yet either.. I read it now.. and well.. I know i was just trying to be optimistic.. I took belly pics and was clinging tightly to my first "OK" beta.. but I think deep down I just knew it wasn't going to be. I remember after that first u/s sobbing and sobbing in the room at work with my DH.. I had already given up hope..

I feel like I sort of cheated baby #2 with all of this though.. I never gave her a shot (I sort of thought #2 was a girl.. but I didn't have a strong feeling like baby #1).. Did I not love her enough? Why didn't I get excited again? Was I just completely gun-shy from having miscarried just 6 weeks earlier? It doesn't mean I wasn't devastated with each new piece of evidence that pointed to a negative outcome for this pregnancy.. but I don't remember ever really BELIEVING that I was going to have a baby in october.. (Although I do recall a couple of fantasies involving a newborn baby and halloween)..

So.. baby #2.. I DO LOVE you. I'm sorry if I didn't believe in you enough. I would do anything to bring you back though. I'd love to be meeting you today and having you hand out candy to trick or treaters with me on friday.