Today is the day..

Today is Angel baby #1's due date. I am up entirely too early.. I went to sleep at 2 am last night.. and I'm up at like 9. (Thats what my computer clock says, I swear it was closer to 10 when I got out of bed a few minutes ago).
My husband seems fairly oblivious, even though I told him flat out on friday night that this date was upcoming (I did not tell him it was today.. but he knew I was sad on Friday about it). He's sound asleep and stayed out really late last night..
I know I originally said I was gonna go to church with DH and MIL today.. Well, I decided that isn't happening. If DH would have suggested it, I would have gone, just to be there for MIL.. but church is not my thing.. It will not make me feel better.. I did ask MIL to go to lunch with me yesterday, because she was home alone all weekend, and I know she has a hard time with this time of year. We had lunch and went to look at the Fisher Price store at some baby supplies.. She loves the Zen collection stuff too, except is unnatturally concerned about the fabric on the bassinet getting spit up on.. (there is no way to remove most of it, only the pad cover, so it would be tricky to wash, these are the things that would never occur to me and occur to her immediately). It was a nice afternoon, anyway.
Today though... I am happy cuz its football season and I am not working, normally this is one of the days I look forward to all year.. Today though.. football seems less important.. There is a lot of what might have been thoughts going on right now..

Ironically last night, I had a customer come in.. She was obviously very pregnant.. and it ended up being her due date.. (She looked fantastic and quite little for her due date being yesterday) I guess I am thankful that her due date wasn't today that she came in an announced to me (I never ask strangers pregnancy questions such as when they are due.. mostly cuz I don't care, she volunteered this info to me).. I would have felt more directly like the world was out to get me then.. It still made me kinda sad.. That should have been me..

Also last night, one of my coworkers, who is getting married next summer was telling me her "plan" of going off birth control a few months before her wedding, so she can get pregnant right after the wedding in August, have a baby in May, and then have May and June off and have the whole summer off with her baby (she's a teacher).. I almost laughed directly in her face.. Life just don't work that way.. Not that I would wish on her ANY of what it took me to get to the point of being where I am.. but that is one of my biggest annoyances. Trying to get pregnant and staying pregnant are too unpredictable.. You can't plan it around anything..

This first angel baby was with me such a short period of time. I was pregnant for a week.. 9 days before the m/c was "confirmed".. But he changed our lives forever (I truly believed that our first baby was a boy.. I did not have a strong feeling about #2, or even this baby). And we certainly love him and will never forget. Its overwhelming to me how much has gone on in the amount of time it should have taken to cook this little one.. Whats more overwhelming is all the stuff that DIDN'T go on.. The baby's room is still an empty guest room, painted the fugly tan color I painted when we moved in, figuring it would only stay that way for a year.. I haven't gotten to experience what it feels to feel baby moving inside of me.. I haven't gotten to have a baby shower. I don't have any baby gear.. More importantly, I am not going to bring home a baby today or anytime soon. We have a little Notre Dame football jersey and a Bills sweatsuit here just waiting for baby.. (both we bought before I was ever pregnant, we didn't get them for any particular baby). Hopefully they will be big enough to fit baby #3..

I could probably ramble on about this forever.. but I won't.. We miss you, Baby!